INTERVIEW WITH JESUS
As I walked into the café we had agreed upon, I assumed that Jesus, being the humble type, would be found at a small corner table with a piece of bread and a faint loving smile as he observed the people nearby. I was quite surprised to find him seated quite stylishly at a central table, drinking wine, laid back, legs crossed, Jesus clothes. He greeted me and we started. He spoke faster and with less time for thought than I had imagined, but still managed to speak with a great amount of peace and, above all, confidence.
Let’s start off with a classic, what’s it like to be famous?
It’s great. You get a chance to directly influence millions and millions of people every single day, it’s quite a responsibility though.
Is there an afterlife?
Yes.
What’s the secret to happiness?
Creating. Loving. Helping others.
What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?
Just a stranger on the bus?
Hahahaha! Good one. Love that song!
It’s great. You get a chance to directly influence millions and millions of people every single day, it’s quite a responsibility though.
Is there an afterlife?
Yes.
What’s the secret to happiness?
Creating. Loving. Helping others.
What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?
Just a stranger on the bus?
Hahahaha! Good one. Love that song!
Seriously though, are you really God made man?
I’m not sure. What does that mean? Do you want to know if I have omnipotence and can perform miracles?
Yeah.
Well, why do you want to know that?
How could I interview Jesus and not ask? It’s part of what you’re famous for. It’s exactly what people want to know so it’s my job as a journalist to ask that question in this fake interview! Thousands of prophets have come and gone. You were remembered because apart from your message of love for all, you performed miracles, namely resurrection.
So please, are you God?
Yes, I am God.
I’m not sure. What does that mean? Do you want to know if I have omnipotence and can perform miracles?
Yeah.
Well, why do you want to know that?
How could I interview Jesus and not ask? It’s part of what you’re famous for. It’s exactly what people want to know so it’s my job as a journalist to ask that question in this fake interview! Thousands of prophets have come and gone. You were remembered because apart from your message of love for all, you performed miracles, namely resurrection.
So please, are you God?
Yes, I am God.
Oh...
I thought you were going to say something slightly more evasive or philosophical like “God is in the heart of each and every one of us, so in that way, yes, we are all God.”
Yeah but he thought it could sound too cheesy and it might make my character in this interview too similar to the Jesus in the Bible and therefore not so interesting. He thought this would be more creative.
He? Who’s he?
Nothing, forget it.
I thought you were going to say something slightly more evasive or philosophical like “God is in the heart of each and every one of us, so in that way, yes, we are all God.”
Yeah but he thought it could sound too cheesy and it might make my character in this interview too similar to the Jesus in the Bible and therefore not so interesting. He thought this would be more creative.
He? Who’s he?
Nothing, forget it.
Moving on a little, do you know where I put the CD where I had the photos of the snow trip I made with my friends in 2006?
You never wrote anything on the CD and that’s why you lost it. It’s in your car. It’s a blank 700MB Memorex CD in the middle of all the other CDs in the glove compartment. It doesn’t work though, it’s too scratched by now. You always were lazy son…
Has my ex-girlfriend found someone new? Is she in love again?
Are you sure you want to know this?
You never wrote anything on the CD and that’s why you lost it. It’s in your car. It’s a blank 700MB Memorex CD in the middle of all the other CDs in the glove compartment. It doesn’t work though, it’s too scratched by now. You always were lazy son…
Has my ex-girlfriend found someone new? Is she in love again?
Are you sure you want to know this?
Yes, I think I’m ready.
Then no… she hasn’t.
Is she happy?
Don’t worry, she will be happy again soon. It’s kind of you to ask.
Can you give me a list of some stuff I lent to friends and forgot?
Sean Jackson – a Green toy car
João Silva Marques – Tomb Raider 2
Pedro Morais – A pair of white socks
Catarina Resende – Being John Malkovitch DVD
Tiago Guerra – Nokia 3210 phone charger
Let’s finally get this question off people’s minds, do you or God actually mind if people don’t go to church?
Well, I don’t mind at all, I never went to church… perhaps God minds though. For me it’s more about being a good person. Either way, whatever I answer regarding these topics will never be a real answer from Jesus, it’ll always be some kind of opinion from whoever is writing this.
Huh? So you don’t know where my CD is?
Nope.
And you don’t know a thing about my ex-girlfriend?
She might be snogging as we speak!
And the list of stuff?
All words he put into my mouth I’m afraid…
Tha’s it, I’m leaving.
What a stupid waste of time, you shouldn’t make fun of people’s feelings like this, you know that right?
I stood up to leave and pointed Him in the face
Shame on you fake Jesus!
And shame you writer!
I hope at least someone enjoys this.
I’m off. I left.
Then no… she hasn’t.
Is she happy?
Don’t worry, she will be happy again soon. It’s kind of you to ask.
Can you give me a list of some stuff I lent to friends and forgot?
Sean Jackson – a Green toy car
João Silva Marques – Tomb Raider 2
Pedro Morais – A pair of white socks
Catarina Resende – Being John Malkovitch DVD
Tiago Guerra – Nokia 3210 phone charger
Let’s finally get this question off people’s minds, do you or God actually mind if people don’t go to church?
Well, I don’t mind at all, I never went to church… perhaps God minds though. For me it’s more about being a good person. Either way, whatever I answer regarding these topics will never be a real answer from Jesus, it’ll always be some kind of opinion from whoever is writing this.
Huh? So you don’t know where my CD is?
Nope.
And you don’t know a thing about my ex-girlfriend?
She might be snogging as we speak!
And the list of stuff?
All words he put into my mouth I’m afraid…
Tha’s it, I’m leaving.
What a stupid waste of time, you shouldn’t make fun of people’s feelings like this, you know that right?
I stood up to leave and pointed Him in the face
Shame on you fake Jesus!
And shame you writer!
I hope at least someone enjoys this.
I’m off. I left.
