It was not you. It was me. You never changed. I thought I was becoming too mature to keep you around. I experienced a glimpse of what life was like without you. I fed off the idea of freedom, and gained a lot of curiosity to explore the world, without your schedule holding me back.

I prioritized making money at my minimum wage job, over you in college. I was afraid if I did not work that my bank would break. I never considered my heartbreak. 

We spent so much time together over the years. You even you brought my

family cheer. You instantly took my mind off of a bad day. Fear of messing up kept my ADHD brain focused to play.

Nothing else existed or mattered. I still chose to walk away and the love shattered. Our last day ended with a normal handshake. I knew I was making a mistake. 

I never considered our future together. I did not realize how much your presence kept me from feeling under the weather. You brought me happiness and gave me what I needed. I’m sure you think I am conceited. I did walk away. I did not even try to stay.

Last minute you chased me, offering me with a last minute

opportunity to play. The fear I had of commitment and missing out in college still amazes me to this day. I did not like your needy ways. I thought you would keep me from being whoever it is I need be. I thought you would prevent me from obtaining a job opportunity. Don’t act like it is not true. You would have held me back. You wouldn’t let me hangout with Jack.

These past three years without you have been so rough. Sadness overwhelms me as I see old photos of us covered in dust. You made me tough. I envy others who are now what we used to be. I see them living the old version of me. 

Even though it hurt, you taught me through your games. It was time for me to learn from shame. Without you, I was forced to open a new door. Forced to find a core. No reason to exercise, but my own. I had to step outside of my comfort zone.

Without you, I tried and learned to enjoy new activities I otherwise would have never known. You could not fill my resume alone. At times I ponder a life where we stayed together through college. I tell myself if we had, you’d have just made me mad. I could not keep projecting a life I knew would come to an end. 

So I stopped asking the question, “when?”

I will never find a love that gives me the same feeling you did on the field. Thank you for being my shield. I won’t find another to exert so much frustration, anger and excitement into again. This is where our competitiveness ends. 

I looked at the stats for the first time. Reality blew my mind. I had never kept track. It was all for fun. I could not run. 

No mirror check. Sunscreen and dirt were the only makeup that impressed you above my neck. 

People yearn their whole lives to find the kind of natural chemistry we shared. I continue to live unwillingly in the present and play fair. You taught me to each game. Not everyone is the same. But I have to believe infate. You were my soul mate.

Sadly, this world demands people age and change plans for success. Soul mate relationships do not always work out the best. You built me into a person up for any test. It was time to move onto the next. The plan I dreamed of and pursued where you did not exist, turned out to be an outfield rocky as shit. I thought dropping you would magically make a straight white line of chalk appear.

Now I wish everything in life, but you, would disappear. Can we please get back together? I did not understand the true meaning behind “nothing [actually] lasts forever,” at the time. After that last game, I went home to cry. 

Little did I know how many life lessons I learned at the plate. Sometimes you just have to wait. No one sees all that is going on underneath the lid. Remember me wearing a heart shaped softball t-shirt as a kid?

Cheers to the great memories we shared from the start. Now I am left with a softball sized whole in my heart.